I am here….just! 

Despite having plenty of time to it down and write a blog, I’m struggling to get back into if I’m honest. Not just blogging but liking, reading, sharing and of course posting! 

I know whilst that brings me anxiety. The recent terror attacks in the news make me extra anxious. I worry for the future. I also believe fighting terror with terror will never bring peace. 

My anxiety has manifested itself in some horrifically lucid dreams. One of which was about a family member who is no longer with us. He came back like nothing had happened. I could hug, smell and talk to him. I had collected lots of Harry Potter memorabilia as I thought he would love it. He brought Prudence our dear departed cat with him. I could feel his knitted jumper. Smell the aftershave he always wore. 

I rarely ‘ugly cry’ but last night, I just sad and silently sobbed. That sob that everything is out there and there is no putting it back. 

My relationship with my parents is doing ok. Just ok. Phone calls are strained. We run out of things to talk about fairly quickly. Which we both note is awkward. 

Weightloss is going at a happy skippy snail pace. It’s not at the forefront. My pants still fit. So it is ok, for now. 
Holly is wonderful. She enjoys the warm weather. But gets grumpy when it rains. 


If you would like to suggest a few blog post topics below. That would be wonderful! I’ll choose a few! Hopefully it will give me some motivation to write! 

Love Sooz x

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16 thoughts on “I am here….just! 

  1. I’m glad you’re safe and sound, Sooz. All this horror that’s going on in your country (and other ones) makes me very anxious too. I lived in Manchester, I lived in London and Paris, and those attacks are killing me as well :((
    About topics to write about… what do you think of transgender persons, like my sister was since chilhood, and I am also becoming lately, in my mid-age? Do you feel confy with them (with us)? Have you known any trans-person in your life? What do you think of us and our peers: transgender, bi-gender, genderqueer, genderfluid and gender-variant people, in general?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s a good idea….and Incase you wondered before my blog, I am supportive and accepting. I do wish the transition could be easier both physically and mentally for the person. Although sometimes gender neutral I struggle to find the right word as I’m so used to classification via gender! That’s more a word recall issue than a problem with who they are. I mean no offense! The song ‘I am what I am’ is how I classify my feelings! Love Sooz x

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Thanks Sooz 🙂 No. I’ve never wondered at all before your blog. What for?… I just suggested this subject because it is the main subject in my petty life (now more than ever). I’m writing about it and living every hour of every day thinking of it, since very few around me are supportive of (not even accepting) my feminization now, at my age, as if it was a morbous rerun of my sis’ own process long ago. They say I’ve not accepted her passing and now l’m becoming crazy. (Curiously, the same persons that never mattered about me being gay, now matter much about me being, in fact, straight 🙂 ❤

        Liked by 2 people

  2. So pleased you are hanging in there. The news is full of awful things at the moment. Just be the best person you can be. I no longer watch the news, it’s too unbearable most days, or trivial on the others. Spineless governments allow criminals bail to go and re-offend in the most horrendous fashion. I love your posts about your cat and your family dynamic. Although that causes you some angst, writing about it gets it out there and off your chest. You have a fantastic blog.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. We all need a break from this from time to time. Things in the UK are bad, but on this D-Day, I think of the British people and how they endured ruthless bombings that destroyed whole cities like Coventry. They were determined to win in 1940 because there was no alternative. We in the West and our Allies throughout the world are fighting another brutal war. Our enemies are also ruthless, brutal and intolerant, as were the Nazis. Hold your head up! Do not be cowed by these monsters.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Lucid dreams can be really unsettling, I’ve only ever had a few but they all left me feeling a bit strange the next day. For post ideas, why don’t you write about a recent day out you had? Or maybe write a list of things that make you happy and include some photos? Or maybe write ten things you’re grateful for in life – I always find gratitude lists really uplifting when I’m feeling a bit down. Hope this helped!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m feeling ya! I’ve got days off work and I’m literally making myself write about anything. The terror attacks are taking a toll on everyone, my partner decided to go to Greece instead of London this year otherwise he would have been there too. We are having terrorist attacks in Australia as well. We kind of go Day by day not thinking it happens here but it does. It’s sad and it does cause anxiety, but as the Brits say we must “Carry on”.
    Love your work .

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I have read your last comment on your family and the atmosphere between you and them. Don’t worry, there are many other people having the same problems, e.g. my family treats me similarly.

    Try to think of positive things you experienced in life and set new goals. In between try to relax, visit a botanical garden, hear classical music (better not Wagner or Sibelius ;-)), go swimming and meet new people. Care for yourself!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Hey Sooz, good to see you back again. I know what you mean about the terrorist attacks, they have pushed my anxiety up too. Have to just remind myself of the things that are more likely to kill me yet I do them all the time (cheery I know, works for me though!) and do the thing of looking for the good in the world.
    Sorry things are still not great with your family. Sometimes families are just like that, in fact I think many families are. You can’t change them though, only how you deal with the situations.
    You can do this!

    Liked by 1 person

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