As I have previously mentioned I would write about my trip to Newcastle when I had calmed down a little. Whilst I am calm,the sadness I feel is still there. Maybe writing it down might help? Who knows!
So,I was on the train and I felt confident in my outfit, minimal make up and my pineapple hair! As soon as I stepped of the train. My confidence disappeared, the cold look of two people who can only see the weight you have put on since the last time you saw them.The hug that is like ice.
My heart sunk as I knew another 7 days of this feeling awaited me.
I arrived at my childhood home,which doesn’t look or smell the same.I felt like an awkward guest.I Had a cheese sandwich and went to bed.
I cried, just as I had done in My childhood. Silently expressing the sadness I feel of knowing how far apart we are.
As the week progressed discussions about my weight were constant… Quotes include:
“Well you can’t be eating the right things”
“Look at you, you’re sweating” (on a 20°c day after walking for 1.9 miles up hill and doing it in 30 minutes)
“Well,you need to do something”
“You’ll end up having a heart attack”
My Mum cooked tasty meals,filled with vegetables but very small portions.Therefore,I was hungry.
I was stressed and when I’m stressed,I want to eat more.Not being able to, and feeling like a cross between Shrek and Fat bastard (Austin Powers) was painful. Physically painful mainly because stress triggers my conditions. I felt my weight was a sole focus.I felt like I did when I was a child.
When my sister and her boyfriend arrived there was cake, pastries, full fat coke brought out and heaps of praise on them eating fat laden meals topped off with plenty of alcohol! It stung. I rarely drink and when I do,it’s in moderation.
But I don’t mention how much my family do even though I worry for them. It wouldn’t help them by judging and blaming…though they have far more control of things because they don’t have conditions like I do. They ignore the fact that plenty of damage can be caused by alcohol! I feel so frustrated by their double standards.
I visited my Grandma who also mentioned my weight. Whilst ushering scones my way and giving me cakes to bring home. Nothing like irony!
My parents and Grandma have always tried their best to give me the best experiences and material items. Which I am incredibly grateful for. Emotionally though, we have always had a problem connecting and I can’t remember a time when my weight wasn’t a part our relationship.
I realised my parents aren’t used to me,as I am not to them.They forget I am used to cooking, cleaning and generally being a free bird.To them it felt as though me,my life, my fat,my pets…nothing is right. Even down to how I load the dishwasher!!
Everything I did wasn’t right! Limiting my control in doing daily things effects my mental state which intern means I get motor frustrated about my need for control!
It’s as though they don’t see that I am who I am. Fat rolls,beads of sweat and all,with a mix of autoimmune and mental fuckery!
I wrote my blog post ‘when‘ ,whilst I was there.
My parents offered to pay for a weightloss clinic,meal replacement plans etc…
I am fully aware I am fat,I am also aware that what they say comes from a place of love and care.
But this time,I have returned with so much hurt, feeling so disconnected and unbelievably sad.
I am also angry. I wear my problems as a fat suit.I like to think I try to be honest and eat a good variety of food!
On my return my grandma sent me two letters one containing weight loss tips from variety of magazines and newspapers.
Whilst the other said I will soon struggle to find clothes to fit me (I’m a 20-24 depending)
Since my visit I am struggling. I don’t have the confidence I did.
I have a doctors appointment to discuss the various medications I take. As 90% of them, the side effect us weight gain. They do however keep me sane and from shitting myself!
Love Sooz x