Killing me with kindness

As I have previously mentioned I would write about my trip to Newcastle when I had calmed down a little. Whilst I am calm,the sadness I feel is still there. Maybe writing it down might help? Who knows!

So,I was on the train and I felt confident in my outfit, minimal make up and my pineapple hair! As soon as I stepped of the train. My confidence disappeared, the cold look of two people who can only see the weight you have put on since the last time you saw them.The hug that is like ice.

My heart sunk as I knew another 7 days of this feeling awaited me.

I arrived at my childhood home,which doesn’t look or smell the same.I felt like an awkward guest.I Had a cheese sandwich and went to bed.

I cried, just as I had done in My childhood. Silently expressing the sadness I feel of knowing how far apart we are.

As the week progressed discussions about my weight were constant… Quotes include:

“Well you can’t be eating the right things”

“Look at you, you’re sweating” (on a 20°c day after walking for 1.9 miles up hill and doing it in 30 minutes)

“Well,you need to do something”

“You’ll end up having a heart attack”

My Mum cooked tasty meals,filled with vegetables but very small portions.Therefore,I was hungry.

I was stressed and when I’m stressed,I want to eat more.Not being able to, and feeling like a cross between Shrek and Fat bastard (Austin Powers) was painful. Physically painful mainly because stress triggers my conditions. I felt my weight was a sole focus.I felt like I did when I was a child.

When my sister and her boyfriend arrived there was cake, pastries, full fat coke brought out and heaps of praise on them eating fat laden meals topped off with plenty of alcohol! It stung. I rarely drink and when I do,it’s in moderation.

But I don’t mention how much my family do even though I worry for them. It wouldn’t help them by judging and blaming…though they have far more control of things because they don’t have conditions like I do. They ignore the fact that plenty of damage can be caused by alcohol! I feel so frustrated by their double standards.

I visited my Grandma who also mentioned my weight. Whilst ushering scones my way and giving me cakes to bring home. Nothing like irony!

 My parents and Grandma have always tried their best to give me the best experiences and material items. Which I am incredibly grateful for. Emotionally though, we have always had a problem connecting and I can’t remember a time when my weight wasn’t a part our relationship.

I realised my parents aren’t used to me,as I am not to them.They forget I am used to cooking, cleaning and generally being a free bird.To them it felt as though me,my life, my fat,my pets…nothing is right. Even down to how I load the dishwasher!! 

Everything I did wasn’t right! Limiting my control in doing daily things effects my mental state which intern means I get motor frustrated about my need for control!

It’s as though they don’t see that I am who I am. Fat rolls,beads of sweat and all,with a mix of autoimmune and mental fuckery!

I wrote my blog post ‘when‘ ,whilst I was there.

My parents offered to pay for a weightloss clinic,meal replacement plans etc…

I am fully aware I am fat,I am also aware that what they say comes from a place of love and care.

But this time,I have returned with so much hurt, feeling so disconnected and unbelievably sad.

I am also angry. I wear my problems as a fat suit.I like to think I try to be honest and eat a good variety of food!

On my return my grandma sent me two letters one containing weight loss tips from variety of magazines and newspapers.

Whilst the other said I will soon struggle to find clothes to fit me (I’m a 20-24 depending)

Since my visit I am struggling. I don’t have the confidence I did.

I have a doctors appointment to discuss the various medications I take. As 90% of them, the side effect us weight gain. They do however keep me sane and from shitting myself!

Be kind.

Love Sooz x

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37 thoughts on “Killing me with kindness

  1. Hey Sooz, Sorry you had such a rubbish trip home.
    You know that you are doing what you can to lose weight and you are making progress. Why your family can’t/won’t support you in this? – I don’t know.
    There are some people I have encountered in life who seem intent on trying to wind me up, or even if it isn’t done intentionally just do. Developing within you the self belief that you know that what you are doing is the right thing and that you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone allows you to use the “smile and nod technique” while internally thinking to yourself, “I disagree with everything you are saying but I know that no good will come off attempting dialogue about it.” Tune out all unhelpful comments.
    I’m rooting for you and so are many of your other online (and no doubt real life) friends too.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. This breaks my heart too. I’m sorry you had to deal with such inability to understand and support, and like you said, just be kind, it’s not hard to do! It is a fault in them, not you. I hope you get to feeling better soon and find your confidence again ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m sorry to hear about this. But you know who you are and what you want. Weight loss is a journey, just like planning a holiday, small steps every day. I hope you feel better soon about the situation and your natural beautiful self!

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Sooz, another heartbreaking visit home. I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling. To have your nearest and dearest misunderstand you and your situation, is an added burden which you don’t need. I really hope your doctor can find some solutions for you. Meanwhile try to be kind to yourself, you are not your weight, you have such a lovely way about you. Hug your pets, they don’t judge.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Weight loss is a journey, it does not happen over night. Stay strong and be true to who you are because you are you, your inner self has not changed – be confident and love who you are learn to love yourself and be strong minded – take care of yourself and stay strong ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Sometimes people that want to help become overwhelming, especially when they are family members or very close friends. As long as you have your own plan of losing weight and you are making steps, no matter how small they seem, in order to achieve this goal, what the others say or do isn’t quite important. Just keep on your quest and inform them you are perfectly aware of what you need to do and when (or better said if) you need their help, you’ll let them know. Meanwhile, everyone should just mind their own business. At least, this is what I do in similar circumstances (not weight related, but people tend to give their opinion even if not asked in many cases).

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’ve learned the hard way over many years with parents and family that I had to take some of the responsibility for not being firmer with their well meaning but often quite hurtful comments – and telling them exactly how it makes me feel (WHEN it makes me feel that way).

    The path of least resistance can be useful at times but often it’s the most damaging to ourselves.

    Honestly though I totally feel your pain. I spent many many years avoiding people I cared about because of stuff like this. However well meaning comments and suggestions are they’re ultimately going to confirm our worst fears about how people might see us if we’ve put a few pounds on.

    At the risk of deploying platitudes however – this is just one battle in an ongoing war – and the quicker you forgive them and yourself and move on (mentally I mean) the sooner you’ll be making progress.

    Progress isn’t always about losing weight either. It’s about recovering emotionally.

    Big hug 🤗 you’re not on your own. You can do this!x

    Liked by 4 people

  8. I’m so sorry they did this to you! My folks are much the same way, and I use the smile and nod method previously mentioned too. I know you feel like crying right now, and that is totally ok! But the thing I always do after that cry is use it to make me a little bit stronger in my resolves to do things MY way. You can do this, girl! I’m rooting for you!

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Oh my gosh girl! Talk about DEEP support, my heart HURT for you reading this, because I know all too well those feelings! ❤❤❤ I have a book that you may very well LOVE! Do you have a facebook? Let’s connect, I think you’d really benefit from reading this book, NO DIET/WEIGHT LOSS tips AT ALL! LOL

    Sending you all the love
    Xoxox
    Chelsea M

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I’m so sorry this was your experience visiting your family, my heart broke for you just reading this. I can relate in a lot of ways. I never felt good enough for my family. They do really nice things for me (material things, etc. that I am also grateful for) but truly, I always just wanted to be treated with love and respect by them. For years, it was that I was a “loser” for not continuing my education (due to 9 stomach disorders that keep me insanely sick often.) and all my life it was about weight, as if I embarrassed them, yet they have the same weight issues. *sigh* I can relate though. (((hugs!)))

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Oh Sooz! First off, you’re stronger than they are – you can see more of life than they ever will. Secondly, sounds like they’re the ones with food issues – there’s depth to people aside from what they look like. Thirdly, they’re “concerned enough” to give you treatment, but not treat YOU with respect? Nonsense! (Although… if someone is willing to cough up the cash to get a DNA screen for what medications will respond to your specific genetic code – run with it!)
    You are breaking the mold they created, and for a number of people that’s terrifying. That’s THEIR shame, not yours! They don’t approve of YOUR life? Tough beansies – it’s YOURS. Yours to live and to shape to fit you. If that means pets or being a different size than what they like… Oh well.
    Sweetheart, even if you were the “perfect”size or shape or fit their ideals exclusive of all others, they’d still find something to whinge about. You take care of you, find your inner balance.
    You got this!

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I am saddened to hear this hunny! Sadly I think people who think they mean well are also oblivious to the hurt they are actually causing with what they are saying. But stay strong, you are beautifully unique and 100% you – which is amazing! Becoming health is a journey, it’s a way of life! Don’t let others bring you down and remember to celebrate even the smallest achievements! 😀 hope you feel better soon! xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  13. I hate to hear this. My guess is they love you but don’t understand either your feelings or situation, and don’t realize that. All thinner people think they are experts on loosing weight, but of course they aren’t. They are wrong. My guess is they don’t realize it hurts you. I just want to say you inspire me.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. growing up, my dad would call me things like “Shamu hips”, “thunder thighs”, etc. he had no idea how that affected my child-mind.

    some parents, friends, and other family just don’t understand the power of their own words. no matter how much they may be trying to help or how much they care, there’s still often a better way to go about doing or saying something.

    I’m sorry you had to deal with that. but try not to focus on it too much. just be you, and know that many of us care for you just as you are. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Eurgggh. Just Eurgggh.
    Whether you’re big and beautiful and thin and beautiful, you’re still beautiful. Your family don’t define you, you do. Love them, forgive them for their short sightedness and enjoy your life the way you want to live it. Much love and strength being sent to you. X

    Liked by 2 people

  16. First, I’m sending a hug. I’m so sorry that you felt uncomfortable. Now, don’t let them get you down. You deserve love just as you are.
    My husband has three sisters; they are all big women. Big. Glorious. Confident women. I’m in awe of their style and swagger. Find that swagger inside of you. I can tell it’s there from your writing. Be bold. There’s nothing more wonderful than a big, bold woman. Trust me. Screw the haters.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. I think you’re very brave to be so open about this, you’re helping a lot of people to not feel alone. I’m fortunate enough to have never had a weight problem but I have really horrid asthma so I know how it feels when you can’t control certain things about your body no matter what you do. A lot of it’s just dumb luck. I have curvier friends who eat much less than I do and I think people need to realize sometimes it’s not just that you’re “not eating the right things” or blah blah blah.

    You’re beautiful and don’t you forget it! xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Why to we place so much emphasis on weight and being ‘healthy’. Yes I exercise and stay in shape but we shouldn’t focus so much on it. The most beautiful girls I know are the ones who have beautiful hearts and beautiful minds. Chin up I hope you feel better soon xx

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Hey sooz sorry you had an unhappy time away but sometimes families just think they are doing their best to help when in fact…its the total opposite. Keep focussed on your goals and expectations not anyone else’s. I use the headspace app to practice mindfulness on the move and it’s fab for just giving you a minute to get yourself together. Stay strong x

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Forgive me for walking past the sentiments and emotions. Whilst I recognise them, and acknowledge them, I think they’re yours, and want to leave them alone for you to keep sacred without my opinion, besides, I’m too much of a cold prick, perhaps analytical without emotion to ignore what really struck out at me which was your writing style and ability to be vulnerable. I wonder, if at all your family are aware of the gift you have in writing? Very well written, and I was lost in the reading, the drawing me in more than anything.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I really appreciate it. They know I write a blog. As far as I know they haven’t read it, nor really understand my enjoyment in it. But I think that’s more about their age and technological knowledge, than care. Thankyou for taking the time to comment. Sometimes I wish I was cold & hardened!
      Love Sooz x

      Liked by 2 people

  21. I totally get the whole ‘not doing anything right’, my parents were the same but from a religious point of view, always telling me to believe better, pray better, your sister has more faith.
    Why didn’t I just realize I didn’t believe and tell them?
    Hence why I have started seeing a psychologist, just to talk things through and hopefully use the tools she will give me to get more confident. I was on meds a few years ago , I hated it, made me feel like I wasn’t in total control. I think it’s because I didn’t really need them I just needed to take control of my life. But I also understand being so down that you just don’t know what to do so you opt for the meds to calm the stress.
    You do what you need to do to help yourself, I find reading yours and others blogs very therapeutic.
    Love yourself and everything else will fall into place.
    E.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Your family is well meaning. You may not like what they say, but they want and say, what they think in their mind is good for you. You can grin and ignore them.

    Liked by 2 people

  23. Oh Sooz, sorry to hear you had such a tough visit home. Families so often mean well and say things because they want to help yet don’t realise how hurtful they can be. Take your strength from yourself and from those who support you in a healthy way.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. All I came here to say is I’m sorry your family is that way. No matter where we are in life the last people who could judge you and not support you are your family. No one should have to go through that. Your journey is your own though. No matter what you will succeed and are amazing!

    Liked by 1 person

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