When…

When the sad feelings overwhelm the happy ones. When the bad words said drown out the good. When no matter how nice the clothes or the make up, you still feel ugly. 

When I want to be treated like a person not a clothes size, when no matter how much someone says they care or worry, the other things they say are the ones that hurt you. 

When deep down you know they refuse to understand the person you are, no matter how much you try and share. When you’re made to feel guilty for something you also aren’t happy with.  

When the problem someone has with you, is a problem you have with yourself. Looking in the mirror at the overwhelming rolls, the dimpled skin, the body that’s deemed disgusting by some of society. If I think its horrible, and they do,it must be right. 

When no matter what you do, how bad or how good, being fat is your biggest crime, your biggest disappointment. 

When your heart is hurting, you don’t love yourself enough to disbelieve what someone else says. When you know being skinny is someone elses end goal, not necessarily yours. 

When your head feels like a disintegrating polystyrene cup, but it doesn’t matter, when your digestive system is like swallowing dragon breath, it doesn’t matter, I don’t fit the frame. The frame I didn’t make or break.

When treating you the same,is too much to ask. When feeling like every morsel is judged. When your stomach is hungry as well as your mind. 

When….
Love Sooz x

  

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42 thoughts on “When…

  1. Thanks for sharing I can relate to this sometimes feeling down. I have been out of a job for about 7 months now because I was tired of taking random jobs just for money. I find the mind does play tricks. Even though I have started my own freelance graphic design business.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you for writing such a raw, honest post. I am currently struggling with severe anxiety and depression, to the point of not being able to leave my apartment. And I’m so tired of the words, “suck it up”, “be grateful for what you have”, “fake it until you make”. I’ve been trying to do all those things for YEARS and I can’t do it anymore.

    Liked by 5 people

  3. Hi…what an excellent post!

    I love your views on how society wants us to do certain things more than we ourselves do – weird, right?

    Feel free to drop me a message if you need to talk to someone, too.

    Thanks for the read

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It needs to start with you and in you. Don’t treat yourself like a clothes size, don’t think about yourself in demeaning ways. Treat yourself like the person you wish others would treat you. Change starts from within #StrictMotivation

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sooz, you write so well about your struggles. This is an excellent post, I felt every painful word, deeply. I won’t say something glib, I know those things don’t make it better. Retweeting on @createwithbarb.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Nice post! I find that body image posts are the toughest to read because somehow, we all struggle with our physical selves. That said, as tough as these posts can be to write and to read as a witness to another’s situation, I find that the emotions and connection I feel to someone who shares this much of themselves to be really moving.
    Thank you.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. As someone who has been both ends of the weight scale, I can honestly tell you that the number on the scale has had no correlation to how happy I was or am. That being said, any eating disorder is a hard fight, because we need food to survive. It’s not like you can stay away from it and deal with it in your own time. I’m sure you will find your way, as you have already started with this blog trying to understand things. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Total agree, being skinnier doesn’t bring happiness. It may temporarily if that’s what you’ve been wanting but after that you will realise it’s not going to make u ultimately happy. Your playing into exactly what’s wrong with society. The perfectionism we are fed daily. True happiness is living your dream. If you want to be skinnier then go gir it but do it in a safe manner.

      Liked by 2 people

  8. This was so beautifully written, yes, I totally get the tears now, i’ve experienced body shaming in times past but I am learning how to celebrate the parts of me that others deem as unattractive. Thanks for giving us a snippet of your heart, it will bless others in similar situations. Be strong girl, you are beautiful!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “the body that’s deemed disgusting by some of society. If I think its horrible, and they do,it must be right.” I think society is one of the most evil things out there. Calling people disgusting for something so stupid as body type. they judge others for being rude too while they are calling people names who have done nothing wrong. No, your body is not a crime, and I’m sorry you feel that way and I’m sorry that society has made you feel that way. Their words are the crime, not you in any way.

      Liked by 2 people

  9. These feeling dog many of us but I can promise you that as you age the less important it feels. You will start to feel good about yourself because you will believe that the important things are inside you, people will love your good heart. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So hard hitting, thank you for sharing.
      If it helps you must say to yourself – I am the nicest person I will ever know.
      Told to me by a very wise 93 yr old and sometimes I say it to myself……xx

      Liked by 2 people

  10. Please don’t take this as a suggestion on ways you could be changing yourself because that’s not what this is. This is intended as a way in which you might love yourself.

    This’ll be way out of left field: have you ever considered getting under a barbell? I don’t mean all the crap you see on TV with the P90X, crazy aerobics, running on treadmills, or all that. I’m talking more about willfully forgetting about any body image issues for a bit and just actively trying to get strong. Not exercising and suffering to lose weight. Just actively trying to get STRONG.

    A lot of people will offer you the very unhelpful advice, “Just love yourself!” As if that’s not something everyone is trying to do (win, lose, or draw). A part of that, though, might be to find new ways to love yourself. Society tells you that you don’t fit into whatever the accepted mold is but, honestly, some people were made to fit different molds. If you learn how to do something with your body, something new, something that most people would have told you that you couldn’t do and you find that you get demonstrably better at that new thing over time, well – that’s a hell of a drug. You will learn to love that journey and you will learn to love yourself on that journey.

    Please take a moment to watch the below video. This isn’t anything I’ve produced nor am I affiliated in any way. This is just to give you an idea of the amazing things that women of all shapes and sizes are going out and doing right now because they’ve decided to say “screw it” to whatever anyone thinks. They just went for it. Just like you can.

    I believe you can do it because I’ve seen it done. I’ve done it myself. You’ve got this.

    Best,

    -Josh

    Liked by 2 people

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