Feeling fat…

I’m not sure if every person goes through the feeling of feeling like they suddenly weigh the same as a beached whale…and look quite similar? 

But this last week my eating, my hydration and they way I feel have all plummeted!

Yesterday I felt so uncomfortable in my clothes and like my body was just too heavy. Like I was carrying around sacks of potatoes stuck on vatious parts of my body. 

This week I put on 4lbs…whilst it was deserved I feel huge. Like HUGE. Buying clothes is painful. I range from an 18-20 to a recent skinny jean purchase of a 28.What is with the clothing industry? We range from heroes to zeros between shops! 

My body makes me sad. 

My body makes me angry. 

My body frustrates me.

I want to lie in bed and my thigh skin to not get trapped. 

My arms to not have batwinged skin.

Im going one of those stages where. I just can’t be arsed. I don’t want to think about food. 

I don’t want to be fat.

I don’t want to have loose skin.

I don’t want to be hairy.

I don’t want to have spots.

I know I’m lying in that rut having voluntarily lobbed myself of that wagon that is being healthy…repeating various excuses to myself whilst feeling like fat bastard from Austin Powers…although hoping no one looks at my not so sexy body. 

I’ve touched on the pressure put on myself by my parents and myself. I’m visiting them next week. I’m more worried about every inch of my body than anything else. I’ve chosen outfits carefully… I would rather pack a roll of thick black bin bags if I’m honest. 

While in 5 days Im not going to look how I want to,I have no idea what that looks like fyi…and I’ve probably already wasted a good portion of my life worrying about this.. I best find away to suck it up and soon! 

Love Sooz x 

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50 thoughts on “Feeling fat…

  1. Unfortunate to hear… 😦 I’m quite a bit skinny, and being called out for it is one of the worst things ever, especially when no one defends you. I’m healthy and everything, so there’s that… But we’re all smart people, and I’m sure high spirits and determination will eventually lead us through the dark! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can soooo relate 😦 I was a size 12 before serious surgery two years ago. I was treated appallingly by the NHS staff, and since then I’ve been eating my emotions. Now a size 18 and getting fatter every day. Feeling out of control and disgusted with myself. I’m sure the self-hatred doesn’t help us, but how do you get around it..?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh man, I so relate to this. I’ll do anything I can not to have to see people I know, sure all they are doing is analyzing my body, every. single. bit. of. it. It’s such a painful way to think and live… My daughter told me once, “People don’t look at you or care about what you do, say, or wear nearly as much as you think they do.” I try to keep that in mind and believe it. Your parents will love YOU.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I try to believe that people are just thinking about me and not my weight as well, Mandy, but… I still want to run away when I spot someone coming who hasn’t seen me for two years. Are people really so kind – and blind? I’d like to think so, but… I wish I could convince myself!

      Hugs to us all, in any case. We need all the mutual support we can get xxxx

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Don’t they say looking into another person’s eyes is like looking at the reflection of our own soul? And then we might even resent that person, feel judged, when we are doing the judging. Why can’t I GET what I know!? Reminding each other is what we can do. Thank you, Amanda.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. You are beautiful. Your weight does not define you, and though I don’t know you, I am proud of your efforts to want to be healthy. I wish emotional health and feeling good about who we are NOW was easier to achieve than it is. Long term goals, like weight and healthy living, can really become emotional because we want to go from A to Z and skip all the places in between on our journey. Unfortunately, life long journeys don’t travel a straight line either, so while we might have made it from A to J, we sometimes get stuck going back to D for a while. Just know, that you have an audience that is with you and supports you with all the ups and downs. Have a wonderful weekend!

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  5. I always feel this way before visiting with family, it’s like all of the feelings I have felt about myself in the past come bubbling to the surface and take over. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it. xx

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I’m feeling exactly like this, especially today. That being said, I’m sure you look lovely regardless of what you think of yourself. We are our own worst critics after all. Feel better soon β™₯

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Aw, poor you! I know exactly how you feel- some days I just feel fat and ugly for no particular reason. My advice is go to bed or do something that really boosts your self-worth and self-confidence, and hopefully you’ll start feeling better soon.😁

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m a size 20 on top and 24 on bottom. I know how you feel. But I also admire your courage to describe exactly how you feel interacting with the space around you with such details. These are feelings we go through every single day. I’m always conscious of how I occupy space and move through space. It’s not a good feeling. You are not alone.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Prayer your way. I totally understand. I feel this way a lot. I wish i had a friend who would sternly and lovingly tell me that i need to stop – that friends and family love me for myself, that i am the only person obsessed with my extra sagging skin and dimpled fat rolls, pimples, and black facial hair – black! Wth – my hair is greying except my black beard. I care a lot. Everyone else is too obsessed with their own baggage. I wish i had a friend to shake me out of it and remind me my body does what i need it to do beautifully, remind me how my child and cat love snuggling into my warm and squishy lap. I hope you have a friend like that.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I know that feeling of feeling uncomfortable in your own body. I also know that I’m not really fat and that I have a warped sense of my own body. I have spent too many years hating myself for what I’ve seen as my body’s failings. I have birthed 5 children!! I have fed them! I try to be kinder to myself as I age. I saw my brother lie in a hospital bed for a year unable to communicate. All I could think was how much he would give to be able to walk to the bathroom and go to the toilet by himself.

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  11. Hugs to you! I think you are beautiful and I hope that you feel better soon. Remember that the way things are today is just a temporary situation and it will get better. You are brave for sharing your journey, with all of the accompanying thoughts and feelings.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Listen. I think you are a brave person for putting your feelings and emotions out there like this. I used to be similar in that I was always worried what everyone thought about me. I didn’t have a weight issue when I was younger but I was worried about appearance. In 2000, I was hit by a car as a pedestrian walking across the parking lot of my school. For a long time, I was having constant migraines. I took every medication under the sun in every combination you could think of with no relief. I was diagnosed with a Type II Chiari Malformation. This is apparently something you’re born with but usually don’t have any symptoms of until the onset of a head trauma (getting hit by a car and your head bouncing off the curb apparently qualifies). I told you that story, to tell you this one. Literally, thinking gave me a headache, stress gave me a headache. And we’re not talking about a tiny “take some tylenol and you’re better” headache. We’re talking a “keep it dark as a crypt, silent as a church and speak to me and I will stab you” migraine. It was then, that I learned to let stress go. I used to stress over every, tiny little thing. “What will people think if I wear this? Am I gaining too much weight? Will people still like me if I don’t go to the bar tonight?” I realize it’s easier said than done but forget it. Who cares what others think? Once I developed that mentality, my stress melted away and so did my migraines. I’m not 100% migraine free because some stresses can’t be avoided but I have gotten rid of A LOT of it. It doesn’t matter what other people think of you. You are f*ck*ng beautiful just the way you are. I have put on some weight in the past few years. Part because I have had 2 children, part because I have Essure and ridiculous side effects because of it, and part because I love food. Sure, I am doing things to try and manage my weight. I am doing them for me, not for anyone else because I don’t care what anyone else thinks. If I drop weight, awesome! If I gain weight, oh well, life goes on. There aren’t any miracle plans for weight loss. I love who I am no matter what my size is. I am trying to get rid of Essure which is causing extreme fatigue (along with side effects that are about a mile long) so that I can get more energy to play with my kids which might result in weight loss but if not, oh well. If everyone was meant to be the same size, we would be. Plain and simple. The only thing that has changed is the vast majority of the population’s perspective. Back in the day, the bigger you were, the wealthier you were and the more beautiful because only the wealthy could afford to eat enough to gain weight. Then, someone along the way got tired of being seen as poor because they were thin and eventually, being thin became beautiful. I have more male friends than female ones and they all say that the skinny models may be pretty to look at but at the end of the day, they want a woman with some meat on their bones. Are you healthy? Do you have diabetes? Do you have a serious medical condition? If not, screw them all! If so, change your lifestyle for your health, not just your weight. I hope you read all of this and take it to heart. We love you for you, not your weight!

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  13. I feel you πŸ˜”
    some days I wake up and see myself and think ‘well it could be worse’ and then 30 minutes later I’m like ‘I AM THE FATTEST, GROSSEST THING THAT HAS EVER WALKED THIS PLANET!’
    So frustrating, it’ss especially hard to stay motivated when you don’t look any thinner the day after being ‘good’ haha

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Thank you for being so open, vulnerable and raw. You are very courageous to put yourself out there and I commend you for it.
    Know you that you are loved more than you can possibly imagine.
    Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I am sorry that you feel this way. If it makes you feel any better, I have been feeling the same way for 2 months now. I keep trying to eat right and get on track with exercising but then some rough shifts happen and I am having cookies before bed.

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  16. OMG I don’t know if I should send you a hug or laugh myself stupid. I love this rant it’s exactly how I feel on my fat cow days & I seem to have a lot of those. You’d think having died twice in one night (accident, blood lose, heart stopped) & having just come out of a 10 year long mental health crisis I’d be one of the serine “my body is perfect for me” people but I’m not I still struggle to think positive about my body type, shape & health. I’ll admit I like chocolate more than exercise so if you see me running be very worried about what’s chasing me. Not long ago I got a delivery of some lovely underpants I’d ordered online and when I unwrapped them I had a Shallow Hal moment holding them up, looking puzzled & thinking – OMG THEY ARE HUGE. Then I tried them on expecting them to be way to big and was horrified to discover they only just fit I wanted to cry. But I keep reminding myself that healthy change is a slow process and guilt about what I eat or don’t do exercise wise is not going to help.

    Liked by 3 people

  17. Oh no, I’m so sorry you feel this way!! It’s great to see that you are so open and honest in your posts! I’ve definitely been there- had the feeling that I just won’t look good no matter what I do! I recently did the whole30 diet and I can tell you, it made me feel so much better. I didn’t loose too much weight, but the fact that my body felt better, which meant I felt better was just an amazing feeling. I have a few blog posts on my progress with recipes on my blog if you’d like to check them out.
    We are our own worst critics. You’ll get through this lady!! Keep your head up!

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  18. so I don’t know how I ended up here but I’m glad I did.
    I’ve always been chubby and lately, I’ve gained quite a lot which has led to every single person in my life point it out loud and clear.
    I do take care of myself in a way that I try eating healthy food and avoid sugar drinks and a lot of fast food but is it really my fault if my body takes those tiny bits of late night snacks to major chunks of skin on my butt and thighs?
    I’ve never ‘felt’ fat, I knew I was overweight but it didn’t affect the way I was or behaved until people started judging me for it.
    I pulled myself away from all of them, knowing how little they care and how they think they know better.
    I only want to tell you that please feel happy for yourself because no one else would, just take care of yourself and your body, try eating healthy and put in bits of exercise to keep them blood flowing, and in the end if you’re visiting the plus section of a store, its nothing to be upset about.
    I’m going to get married this year end, my fiance and his family, all of my family and friends have missed no chance of telling me how direly I need to reduce since my fiance isn’t fat or buff. I’m really working on it but there are days when I feel depressed to a point that working is impossible, I could use a friend like you who understands the mental stress.
    I need someone to remind me that if it doesn’t work out its still going to be okay.
    Hope you feel better, you’re beautiful inside if you feel it on the outside, the world will too πŸ™‚

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  19. Who cares what your family thinks about your appearance. I tried all of my life to please my narcissistic mother, who harped on my weight from age 12 and all through my adult years. I was always overweight, forever self-conscious, zero self-esteem, wore baggy clothes to hide everything, almost barfed glancing at a picture of me. It was therapy (years of it talking through emotional abuse) that I can hold my head up high and say it doesn’t matter what other people think. It’s a long road to get to, but when you reach the stop sign and feel good about the way you are (I did lose some weight), then you don’t have to bury your head in shame and feel sick about how people view you. For health reasons, sure it’s not healthy to be overweight, I can understand that, but beating yourself up isn’t emotionally healthy either.

    Thanks for sharing, that was brave of you. Stay strong, and don’t put too much emphasis on your visit. Hugs, Deb

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Girl, food is good. I love food… and I’m fat too. You’re beautiful regardless of your weight. I have and I am still going through the fat stages. I hate my body daily especially when it comes to clothing! But I love food. It’s hard being fat but it’s also hard taking away food that you are so comfortable with. I understand your pain. I’m following!

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  21. Dear Sooz, Sorry you’re feeling so bad. It’s so easy to slip into those old patterns of behaviour you grew up with and revert to feeling vulnerable and unworthy when you go back home. But listen, you aren’t. Don’t let them get to you and undermine your confidence. You are you. You have a caring, open personality and a good brain. You write well. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to your body — every inch and ounce of it! Any changes can only come from inside, because you really want them, not because you’re being browbeaten. Good luck with the visit. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Hang in there! Three months from now, you’ll see a difference. In the meantime, I think you’re awesome for being honest about your struggles. I’m right there with you, but I’m not giving up! My health is worth it and so is yours.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I’m sorry that you’re feeling that way. I have days like that too! I think we all do. But I think we are our own worst enemies and no one sees you the way you see you. We all see a beautiful person. πŸ™‚ Chin up, gorgeous, or the crown slips.

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  24. Hang in there. We love our humans whatever their shape – plump, slender, in between – it doesn’t matter to us as long as they stay cuddly. Best wishes from Sasha & Lola at 2 Blogging Cats.

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  25. You are a child of God. He loves you, and wants you to learn to love yourself, regardless of how your physical body looks. Taking care of yourself is a huge step in feeling good. So sad that you feel so badly.

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