I decided to write about my experience in the lead up to and experience of my colonoscopy. Hopefully it will help others and it will certainly keep me entertained whilst holed up in the smallest room!
Started moviprep at 6.30pm…
It takes like weak orange(ish very ish) dioralyte… Yak!
It left a kind of salty chemically taste in my mouth… That was probably the worst bit,other than the impending doom about to hit my bowels.
Right now I feel like Im dreading the poop bit more than the bum bit- which is really saying something.
By ten past seven…. Its definitely working… Not draining like when you have a poorly tummy.. Just like loose watery poo!
I have soaps to watch on my phone and social media in the breaks!
By 7:20pm we (who is this we?) are running clear but yellow liquid! I’m not even hungry,infact the thought of food makes me feel positively nauseous.
By midnight I’m all pooped out, however my nerves make it impossible to actually get to sleep and I feel absolutely gross.
Setting my alarm for 5:30am was beyond painful. Well, not as painful as my bum hole which feels like it’s been pulsing lava out of it for the last few hours.
5:45am… Drinking the moviprep was horrendous…firstly at that time of the morning I didn’t want to drink and it tastes even worse. I’m just ‘weeing’ clear yellow liquid. My bum does not like this feeling and tends to tense up!
My bum hole felt like hell had passed through it and left a burning reminder. Vaseline was the only solace.
9:30am and I was done. I fell asleep until 11am. I have incontinence pads for my night fits so popped one of those on just in case. By this point I was fed up. I wasn’t even hungry, my tummy hurt and I felt absolutely gross.
We left at 1pm, its only a 10 minute drive to the hospital and I was more worried about pooping in the cab.
Our local hospital is lovely and well signposted. We wandered down the longest corridor ever, and made it to G14a, a new building that was decorated in bright colours with up to date magazines, tv with sound and a very smiley receptionist who checked me in.
It wasn’t a long wait until a nurse in scrubs came to collect me and gave me a wrist band.
I went to a room to sign a consent form,blood pressure and my pulse were taken. The nurses were lovely, calmingly so and put me as much at ease I could be.
I was given two gowns as the nurse said the gowns are less than forgiving so to pop one on each way and then take a seat in the waiting room with a basket for my clothes.
Watching Ellen in a waiting room wearing two gowns, no knickers and shoes and socks with about 5 other people in the same attire was an odd experience. But the room was bright, the seats comfy and calming waterfall pictures adorned the walls.
By this point My hands were absolutely freezing and ridiculously sweaty.
Eventually a lovely foreign spoken nurse came to collect me. Everyone is so lovely, maybe working with bums makes you happy or they can sense a nervous patient at 50 paces?
I went into a theatre style room with about 6 ladies and one man in scrubs… This wasn’t the man I expected to be doing it. An endoscopist introduced herself and introduced the man as a student learning (frankly this man was the most attractive I have seen at our hospital) and he was going to be doing it,if I agreed. I always agree to students as why not? I took my top gown off and hopped on the bed- I say hopped,if you imagine a walrus hauling itself onto a rock…
It was such a friendly atmosphere,everyone was chatting. However, between feeling like I was going. To shit myself, die of utter embarrassment or promptly fall alseep… It was going great!
They explained that ‘Phil’ was first going to use two fingers to lubricate and check for lumps and bumps… Seriously? internally I couldn’t have been more embarrassed. Outwardly it felt like a previous ill conceived encounter with anal sex minus any kind of enjoyment at all.
Next for the camera itself…
The first thing I saw on the screen was my hairy bumhole… Having not seen my bum other than in a mirror this was…enlightening!
The camera wasn’t remotely painful and the lovely nurses were chatting to me the whole way through. I saw my squeaky clean and I mean they could have been sponsored Flash they were so sparkly , bowels,it looked like a deep sea dive into an enormous blancmange coloured jellyfish and I was waiting for David Attenborough to start narrating.
It was uncomfortable not painful the more air they pumped in and despite trying not to fart… I did and nobody cared infact they were thrilled.
We saw some scar tissue, ulcers and some pus like bits that looking like something that is put on a sex ed poster to stop teenagers even thinking about doing it, let alone being safe. A biopsy was taken which didn’t hurt a bit!
Then the camera got to the last bit it was too painful so,the camera started to come out sucking the air with it!
They found one little hemorrhoid on the way which can be banded.
That was that. My tummy felt like an over inflated whoopee cushion. I got up, fit guy shook my hand, winked (he was an obvious natural winker) and said thanks and I said bye to everyone like it had been A wonderful day out! Inside I was still cringing!
I got changed, farted like I was trying to fire a canon and got my report..
‘Ulcerative colitis and a single hemorrhoid’ referral to clinic’
And some leaflets- which are still in my bag.
Afterwards I managed a little wander around Morrisons and a sandwich (which I saw again the next day- undigested).
Also,mother nature was smiling down on me as my period didn’t (and still hasn’t) arrive! I was ridiculously thankful!
Ive never been more tired or achy after something I haven’t had a general anesthetic for!
10 tips for the process
1.The prep is the worst part
2.Its not as bad as you think
3.The team see about 50 bumholes a day, you’re not special to them.
4. Make sure you prep properly
5. Wear expandable clothes
6. Take spare knickers and a bag to pop your others in
7. Don’t eat too much afterwards
8. Tell the nurses if youre super nervous
9. Fart as much as you can afterwards.. It really helps!
10. Use vaseline and wet wipes on your bum it soothes the burning hell hole that has replaced your bum hole!
All in all a great (as great as it can get) experience. Not only did it make me truly thankful for the NHS but it made me almost emotional at how lovely all of the staff were. Their job isnt easy and they work long hours. They made an embarrassing and uncomfortable experience bearable.
Thankyou for all of the comments and messages across my social media!
Love Sooz x