Once of my earliest memories of ‘food anxiety/jealousy’ was when I was about seven or eight. I was in bed and I woke up Smelling chinese food. My parents had got a takeaway WITHOUT ME!
I wanted chinese food. I wanted it!
I cried myself to sleep. Looking back Half of my brain thinks that I was silly. But the other half still gets unbearable food envy even now.
The following morning,my parents both said I should have just gone down and shared some and that they only got it so late as my Mum had finished so late. The anxiety of not getting out of bed after bedtime got in the way of my food addiction. Writing this is hard. I was a child. I had anxiety and an addiction to food, as a child.
Tonight brought back that memory as I could smell someone elses takeaway pizza. I wanted it. I wanted to be included.
I feel weird for having food envy. Most of the time I don’t even want to eat the food. I look at food and want it, however it never tastes as good as my mind has built it up.
From being a child, food is my longest and most destructive relationship. Food has always been there, and it has most certainly created a monster.
Whether I’m eating well or when I have binge eaten my mind is on my next meal, the next food shop or the next recipe. Food I can have, food I can’t.
Food is my reward, my comfort and my enemy.
I’ve spoken previously about my childhood weight struggles. But my food relationship is different.
So many foods remind me of happy times with family who are no longer here. I have meal memories, memories which are far stronger than others. One smell,one taste or a combo of foods on a plate is enough to set my mind drooling, needing, wanting.
At the height of my unmedicated bipolar-ness!? I ate upwards of 4000 calories a day,had takeaway most nights, despite struggling to pay bills and knowing the takeout delivery guys life story (His name was Chris and he also lectured in Georgraphy. He was in his 60’s and had the poshest voice I’ve ever heard. He was such a nice guy).I would buy 2 or 3 different food items at shops adding sauce or different fillings fooling myself the maker would think they were for someone else. I was only fooling myself.
Almost every bit of food I eat or cook reminds me of something. That sounds like a lot of food and a lot of memories.But it does! Every one.
I want food to become a friend, or an acquaintance, but how do you divorce it first, whilst seeing it everyday?
On the outside to strangers,I might look fat, like i’m lazy, unmotivated and a slob. On the inside fight a daily everyday I’m motivated, I eat less than you would think. I take medication which is known for weight gain. Above all,we all have problems and demons. Mine just happen to have side effects which are visible.
I can remember the exact time my food addiction began. My grandfather passed away,I was Eight. My heart was broken, each time a family member died,the more I ate. My parents consulted our doctor as to my sudden weight gain. He put it down to stress eating.
Sadly I’ve lost rather a lot of family members (all leaving behind a food memory imprinted on me). To feed my food addiction, I’ve stolen money, I’ve gone to a friends for tea and come home and had another one. Every trick to get food…. I’ve done it.
I don’t eat healthily all the time, I have rubbish times. I eat doughnuts and cake. I eat until I feel sick, I snack. But I accept those times and move on to the next day. I try to be better evert single day.
One day food will be an acquaintance.
Keep going, if you’re struggling. There’s always another minute,hour, day or week.
Love Sooz x