Im lying awake… Finding the world the most overhoverwhelming place. Reading the news is too much. The world is terrifying and the media exacerbates that beyond any reasonable belief. I end up worrying about worrying. . I know, worrying doesnt help anything.
Maybe if I write a few of my worries down then… A problem shared, and all that!
Obviously the incoming American President has caused almost a tsunami of hate, changes and all round unrest. It scares me, theres so many changes and people agreeing to things which are, in my mind utterly ridiculous. The media obviously reports it in such a way to get maximum sympathy to the side of the cause they think most deserves it.
War is a daily worry and has been for a long time. I worry how we would ever cope. The country has changed so much since the second world war. I cant even imagine that defences are in place, what defences are there against chemical warfare? Would it be the end of the world?
I assume money is a worry for everyone at some point,I always acknowledge that money is a pretty big part of my bipolar. I worry I dont have enough or I get massive anxiety if I know I have money. So, essentially I can never win. After all of that theres the worry of what if for some reason theres no money… None. What would we do? Im actually Giving myself a headache by this point, so I will fully understand if you’ve given up reading by now!
In March i will be visiting my family for a birthday party. I feel so mcuh pressure to lose ten stone in 8 weeks,have perfect skin and teeth and a range of perfect outfits!
I feel heavier, even though i’m not,than last time I saw them. My parents have always been quiye focused on my weight and it seems to add so much pressure on to my already faultering self esteem.
Someone said to me “you’re young, you have nothing to worry about”
I wanted to scream, my body most days feels like its been run over by a truck, im unsure if its doesnt realise Its young or the conditions i have dont discriminate age wise!
Sometimes I want to be normal, not feel like Im going to shit myself in tescos or look in the loo and find blood.
I dont want to pee myself during another fit or feel like im going insane when I think a dream is reality.
I want to rave in Ibiza and cliff dive and drink margaritas.
Age might be nothing but a number, but health is a very different ballgame!
Hopefully,i’ll wake up less worried and frustrated with the world. The world, I feel isn’t the right world for me at times.
Love Sooz xx