When I break something no matter what it is, I’m absolutely point blank terrified of telling anyone, no matter who the item belongs to. I just can’t do it. No matter how big or small. I just freak out.
If during the time between it breaking and a person noticing, they mention anything about being stressed or “can’t take any more of this” or whatever. Its like I Bury it deeper yet think about it constantly.
I don’t break things deliberately, and I accept I can be clumsy. not because I don’t care. But because I get so anxious.
I know that some think I’ve either done it deliberately or I’m always breaking everything or I’m dishonest or deceitful for not saying, or that because I’ve broken something once that it is always my fault (it’s not) and that just makes my anxiety worse.
I’m terrified to the point of giving myself a migraine with stress. Its all I think of. From the moment it cabooms to the moment someone realises. But once they realise, in sets the feeling of paranoia.. that they hate me. That it can never be fixed, that they’ll shout at me.
I hate that it’s always me. I hate that I don’t say anything. I hate that L feels she should protect me as she understands and that she’s so empathetic towards me.
I have no idea what clumsy people do to help ‘cure’ them.
.. nor what overly anxious people do when they can’t tell someone they’ve broken something and literally cannot overcome that hurdle of saying anything!
It’s not a nice feeling.
Love Sooz x