Grief & A Birthday

It’s L’s Nans birthday today. She would have been 73. It’s not even six months since she departed us. I didn’t think I would miss her this much, I didn’t realise how much in everyday life I thought “oh she’d like that” or “Was that her on the phone? I wonder how she is” or just something on tv she’d have loved.

We didn’t get off to the best start, I had not long begun university, I was in the midst of bipolar and at the time I made L miserable. So from her perspective I was a bloody nightmare. But over time I like to think she knew I cared.

We bonded over our love of food. Whilst she was in Hospital a few years ago, I cooked her some homely food and always took a little treat whenever we managed to visit. The last time I saw her in hospital broke my heart, I thought she’d be coming home, and back to her old tricks.

But she wasn’t, I stood trying to hide my silent sobs, the ward tv on so loud it was deafening,wishing things were different. I have so many good memories of her and learnt that washing should NEVER be folded inside out, and its always time for tea and cake!

I’m sad she had to leave, but happy that she’s no longer in a world that became so very difficult for her to enjoy.

Whilst feeling so sad we’ve tried to celebrate a little with fish and chips, lattes and cake – all her favourite foods.

Later we are going to release some lanterns into the night sky.

They’ll never shine as bright as Nanny G’s star!

Grief and loss are more painful than can be imagined, and sometimes it affects you far more than you thought it would.
Love Sooz x

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