I was going to write about a blog post about how I’m feeling – pretty crappy! Then I realised, you know what, I’ve been letting the same thing get to me for too long. Not only that I don’t want to be drawn into being hateful. It really isn’t worth it.
However, just when I decided this and those things started to improve dramatically. Things within a different circle went dramatically wrong, this included police, police dogs, riot vans and half the street outside in their jimjams. Luckily no one was seriously hurt, and while I won’t go into specific details. I was scared. I’m scared for now, I’m scared for future events. I feel like a rock is on my chest.
I hate feeling scared, like I did when I was a kid of monsters and new food. I want to be a warrior to stand and protect the clan, especially when usual methods seem to be little more than useless. I feel like it’s ok for them to act the way they do, but the price is paid by the surrounding people.
I’ve been trying to write this blog for about two weeks and although I keep adding to it, I still haven’t got around to posting it. I’m still scared, I want to erase it all from my mind and my life. I want to pretend I dont care, but I do.
I feel swallowed up by the drama and negativity. I feel like I battle for it not to become a part of me. I constantly wonder if I’ve done, I’m doing the right thing. Saying the right thing. I go over and over what I’ve said what someone else has said.
I know how I feel, and I know others feel differently. But I wonder if I’m right, am I doing the right thing? Am I being ignorant or naive.
I feel like I’m a jigsaw piece short of a jigsaw, I don’t find my fit. I know part will be my anxiety, I feel paranoid people are in a mood with me, I’ve done something wrong, that I can’t disagree.
I just want to lock myself away and stay there.
I miss L. She’ll be back soon, but being alone shows me that I’m not part of this, my opinion isn’t valid because I’m just a visitor, a guest, not a real proper part.
However many quotes, food pics and good times I post. Sometimes there’s no getting away from it… Life can be overwhelming and shit.
Hopefully I’ll wake up and feel 100% better tomorrow!
Sorry for the rambling and probably pretty unclear post!
Love Sooz x