‘You’ll always be a fat girl, you don’t know how to be anything else’
a quote from her favourite book
You don’t have to say you love me -Sarra Manning
It got me thinking, I’ve lost 90+ pounds, I’m still defined as fat by both society, clothing stores and myself. Strangers must look at me and think I’m fat now, but I want to turn to the strangers looking me up and down and say
“if you think I’m fat now, you shoulda seen me before I started losing weight”
I would never say it, I just scurry away!
I think that, but I don’t believe it, I wonder what size I’ll be, how much weight I’ll have to lose before I’m not fat in my head. All the little things I do based around being huge… Dreading turnstiles, blocking doorways and shop aisles, going straight to the plus size or the accessories in a store and looking at restaurant chairs judging if I’ll get bruises by wedging myself in them!
Reading Instagram posts I see people who have dropped 100-200lbs and still cannot see how small they are, still go to the plus size section and still think ‘fat girl’ thoughts.
I look at them and think how pretty and tiny they look, how confident they seem… But reading their posts show that internally they are fighting that battle between their fatty Patti inside and their here and now.
I scrutinize selfies, prod my tummy, try and make my ever sagging boobs into a cleavage… Do you ever accept who you are, do you ever see the truth in the mirror? Once you’re fat, is it always within you? Does your past body haunt you, no matter how much weight you’ve lost, or do you just know how to cope in a fat body?
You’re used to funny looks, sweating, people ignoring you, hurtful comments on pictures. But when that changes you don’t know what you’re coping with!
Love Sooz x
CHECK LAURA’S BLOG OUT: www.fattywantsabiscuit.co.uk