I know people have it worse than me, I have a roof over my head, Food in the fridge and a family that loves me.
But sometimes mental torture goes far beyond those things, struggling to even talk to someone, struggling to find any positivity in a word they say and their anger.
How far do I go when I write a blog post about someone that I know? Readers will know? I’m not going to write a blog post slagging someone unbelievably, for me its more about venting, but getting it out so I can see if there’s a way around it or if from another perspective I could behave differently.
When you live with other people, it can get irritating, they leave stuff, you leave stuff. Some people like order, others not so much. Having a mental health problem means I struggle.. not just with other people, but with myself. It takes time for me to process things and during that time I might be entirely silent.
I know people think “well, she can talk to L” but L is my home, she listens, we discuss things when were both ready to. She can read me like a book and its taken nearly 10 years to build up that kind of relationship. She also has the ability to tell me when I’m in the wrong too.
During my silence I can be thinking angry thoughts, but more often than not it’s pure anxiety. My head is talking like a hyperactive child, then comes in the overriding adult, a full conversation in my head. While the surface portrays nothing. I have fictional arguments in my head. I hate that I’m hateful and negative, I blame myself far more than anyone else.
When someone is so negative and determined to find a problem with things, I feel like nothing I do will ever be right, or good enough, when even talking to me seems either like an effort or just an opportunity to slag off someone or something else.. what do I do? When I’m stuck in that situation, for now anyway. I feel like when I’m useful, then I’m remembered. Which is rare.
I feel like I don’t belong in that place, I know I’m not welcome or wanted, but I can’t leave. 90% of the things I own are either in a box or on a pile. Yet you try and remain as positive as possible, try and just get through. How long can I keep just getting through, mentally?
Is my negativity contributing, are my moods too difficult to navigate, is it my fault?
Why can’t they see? when did they become perfect? Why do they change the rules and expect me to know? Do they hate me?
I swear I ask myself these on a pretty damn near daily basis. My Instagram shows nothing of this, I occasionally have a little moan, but I’m struggling.
Mentally, physically- lifely? (i don’t know if that’s even a word)? I don’t want to be me, If I could live in a cave with a pet bear and sleep I would. people are so hard to navigate, along with my mind.
Reading back on my Facebook memories, I used to care, I used to spend happy times, make happy memories with the same person. I’d do nice things, is it that we’ve both changed, or has time and bad life events made us both negative?
A lot has happened.
…and I’ve done it again! Come around in a circle!
It’s nearly 3pm I haven’t eaten, I’ve forgotten my tablets and I’m so cold it’s insane!
Always hoping for better times, a better day, a better life.
*edit: I ate a healthy lunch, I got dinner and I have realised whatever I do will never ever be right and if someone wants to be hateful, they will be. It’s not about winning or losing. Right now it’s about surviving! Whether I’ve written out of turn or about something too raw, I don’t know.
I think it’s too late to want everything to be ok.
Love Sooz x