When coping is just too hard. 

I know people have it worse than me, I have a roof over my head, Food in the fridge and a family that loves me. 

But sometimes mental torture goes far beyond those things, struggling to even talk to someone, struggling to find any positivity in a word they say and their anger. 

How far do I go when I write a blog post about someone that I know? Readers will know? I’m not going to write a blog post slagging someone unbelievably, for me its more about venting, but getting it out so I can see if there’s a way around it or if from another perspective I could behave differently. 

When you live with other people, it can get irritating, they leave stuff, you leave stuff. Some people like order, others not so much. Having a mental health problem means I struggle.. not just with other people, but with myself. It takes time for me to process things and during that time I might be entirely silent. 

I know people think “well, she can talk to L” but L is my home, she listens, we discuss things when were both ready to. She can read me like a book and its taken nearly 10 years to build up that kind of relationship. She also has the ability to tell me when I’m in the wrong too.

During my silence I can be thinking angry thoughts, but more often than not it’s pure anxiety. My head is talking like a hyperactive child, then comes in the overriding adult, a full conversation in my head. While the surface portrays nothing. I have fictional arguments in my head. I hate that I’m hateful and negative, I blame myself far more than anyone else.

When someone is so negative and determined to find a problem with things, I feel like nothing I do will ever be right, or good enough, when even talking to me seems either like an effort or just an opportunity to slag off someone or something else.. what do I do? When I’m stuck in that situation, for now anyway. I feel like when I’m useful, then I’m remembered. Which is rare.

I feel like I don’t belong in that place, I know I’m not welcome or wanted, but I can’t leave. 90% of the things I own are either in a box or on a pile. Yet you try and remain as positive as possible, try and just get through. How long can I keep just getting through, mentally? 

Is my negativity contributing, are my moods too difficult to navigate, is it my fault? 

Why can’t they see? when did they become perfect? Why do they change the rules and expect me to know? Do they hate me? 
I swear I ask myself these on a pretty damn near daily basis. My Instagram shows nothing of this, I occasionally have a little moan, but I’m struggling. 
Mentally, physically- lifely? (i don’t know if that’s even a word)? I don’t want to be me, If I could live in a cave with a pet bear and sleep I would. people are so hard to navigate, along with my mind. 

Reading back on my Facebook memories, I used to care, I used to spend happy times, make happy memories with the same person. I’d do nice things, is it that we’ve both changed, or has time and bad life events made us both negative? 

A lot has happened.

…and I’ve done it again! Come around in a circle! 
It’s nearly 3pm I haven’t eaten, I’ve forgotten my tablets and I’m so cold it’s insane! 

Always hoping for better times, a better day, a better life. 
*edit: I ate a healthy lunch, I got dinner and I have realised whatever I do will never ever be right and if someone wants to be hateful, they will be. It’s not about winning or losing. Right now it’s about surviving! Whether I’ve written out of turn or about something too raw, I don’t know. 

I think it’s too late to want everything to be ok. 

Love Sooz x


15 Comments Add yours

  1. tarnishedsoul says:

    There was a time when I was struggling with some issues, and it made me feel guilty, because there were other people dealing with things that are far worse. I mentioned this to someone and that person told me, that my struggles are no less valid since they are the reality I am dealing with.

    I try to live life like that – whatever we experiences is just what we are dealing with at the time.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for your comment I really appreciate it! It means a lot of sense! Love Sooz x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Simon says:

    Hi Sooz, what you wrote really appealed to me. This is exactly how I feel to. It’s like you don’t know what happened, but suddenly you’re in a place that you never wanted to be and you don’t know how to get out. You smile to the world, but in reality you’re cracking up, or you feel like it and you don’t know how to solve it.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks Simon, I’m sorry you feel the same. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. I hope your situation improves! Love Sooz x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Simon says:

        I hope yours does Sooz, I don’t know how to shake it if I’m honest. It’s like being unfulfilled.
        Tell me, have you had anything bad and important happen in the last few years like lost a loved one or a job or something?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I Think it’s a combination of a lot of things, I have various mental health problems and I’m sure they don’t help. I really hope yours can alleviate. Love Sooz x

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Simon says:

            Thanks Sooz, me too. Good luck with you ☺


  3. katiereablog says:

    I completely agree with this post and I can relate to it. I can’t help beating myself up about how I’m feeling and the fact that others clearly have it worse. But you have to focus on yourself! I find writing blog posts helps me and I get a lot of useful comments from people. I hope you begin to feel better! I’ve followed you; your blog post has inspired me and I look forward to reading your future posts as I’m sure I will be able to relate to them as I can this one!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Katie! I get so many useful comments… I just need to remember to reply! I’m sure I’ll be back to my usual self soon, I hope so! I’ll follow you, maybe I can relate to yours just as much! Love Sooz x

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve been in your shoes before. I grew way beyond the point of making things “good” or “like they use to be”. We both changed. She could do nothing right and I was never happy. Always angry. I want you to know that you aren’t the only one that has been in your position. Just know once you get pass this, life gets better again. You’re stronger than you think and I know you can tread through the river and make it to the other side. Come on over! 😜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahh thankyou! I really appreciate this! I’ll see you on the other side soon! Love Sooz x

      Liked by 1 person

  5. anaya024 says:

    I understand this whole post and really relate. Just remember, even if you have had it better than others, don’t compare yourself, making yourself feel worse for feeling sorry for yourself, no problem is bigger than another, some people have physical problems, and others have mental health issues which are no less important. They’re just much harder to detect. Take care of yourself, you can do it🌟 xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thankyou for your comment it’s lovely, and I Will remember! Love Sooz xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. The Happy Healthy Kiwi says:

    I do the same thing and I don’t know why. It’s quite a negative cycle. I do it less now than I used to, but still more than I’d like 😰

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know it’s so negative, and trying to be positive is harder! Love Sooz x

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s