Routine: So important it verges on suffocation. 

From the outside, I look like a regular, albeit fat, individual, I smile, I laugh, I have resting bitch face. But my internal workings of my brain are never seen. 

They aren’t felt by others, strangers, to people close to me I can seem moody, changeable and difficult. 

A quick trip into town, is planned meticulously in my head, from the route, to the food, to the transport, to each shop. Lists are written, the budget is set, my bag packed and my clothes laid out. Some call this organised, I call it hell.

That is just one part, one Part which I plan. Another is home. I like time alone, silence and to know what I’m doing – even the tv schedule is reserved a week ahead. L is very used to my needs and we work together to ensure whilst they aren’t fed, my routine continues as much as possible. I clean what I always have, I don’t like New furniture, New smells, New things, it brings me great comfort to know that my sanctuary is the same. The photo in my mind that I look back to is still the same.

This morning my routine was broken, usually on a Tuesday, I get up early, clean and then eat boiled eggs watching Jeremy Kyle, with no one but the budgie tweeting.I sit in my usual seat, the volume on 10, that is an hour I’m used to. I ended up sitting outside crying my eyes out, a break in routine frustrates me beyond belief, but it also feels like it breaks my ability to process the rest of the day.

You might be reading this rolling your eyes, wondering why I’m so selfish, why can’t I just get on with it, why is it such a big thing..believe me those are things I’ve thought a million times myself, and I have no answers. I sometimes try and challenge myself, this just results in a bad day.
A few other things…

I love writing lists, but I become obsessed, I have a cleaning list which is four columns and two pages, that I check each time I do housework. That is the structure I have followed, Tuesday and Thursday mornings I clean. If something stops that it’s like a road block in my head! 

Silence is something I crave, some sounds literally get in my head and make me lose my mind. I love having earphones in, music makes me feel ridiculously free, it’s like my mind gets overtaken. The sound of someone crying is one of the worst, it infuriates me. I must be honest, I know I must come across as a horrible person and believe me, the pursuit of being a better one is at the forefront of my journey. 

Hugs…physical contact, JUST NO!! I absolutely hate being touched or touching other people. Why do people feel the need to spring a hug on you, why? It makes my skin crawl and my anxiety shoot through the ceiling. I obviously hug L, but it has taken a very long time for me to even remotely enjoy it- 10 years is a long time!  I dread seeing people I know are “huggers” I don’t want them to think I’m being rude and a lot of people have taken it as a personal insult when I don’t. It doesn’t mean I don’t like them. I just don’t need to touch anyone for that confirmation! 


Hoping for a better day tomorrow.
Love Sooz 

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10 Comments Add yours

  1. ToadieOdie says:

    My sister has often said that my routine is chaos. She says that even though I don’t have a rigid schedule, I am still a creature of habit and there is a fixed order in the things that I do. This got amplified when my middle son was diagnosed with Autism. I still can’t do a rigid routine by the clock to save my life. My son has learned a long time ago that there is an order and a process in which I do things but I never set anything in stone. For example, somewhere along the line he has gotten it in his head that dinner MUST be at 5pm sharp. I do not know where this has come from and I honestly do not think I have ever once successfully made this happen. There are people out there that would be upset with me for failing him. And there are people out there that say I shouldn’t indulge him lest he become more rigid. Either way my son and I can’t win. It’s just one example of how our brains can be so hard wired to be a certain way.

    I don’t think people fully understand how deep rooted disorders like Anxiety, Autism, Bipolar, OCD, etc. really are. If we were computers our disorders would be the core of our operating systems and hardware. That’s the part “normal” people need to understand. We are not choosing to be this way. We were built this way at the genetic level. So no I don’t think you are selfish at all. I completely understand your cleaning checklists. I have them too. Each room of my home has a daily, weekly, and monthly list. My problem is motivating myself to get that cleaning done. I also understand how a change in routine can mess up the entire day. My routine isn’t set by the clock but there are certain things that if they don’t happen in order (like starting the day with a cup of coffee before anything else) or if they don’t happen at all (like touching my computer at least once a day) I’m all out of sorts.

    Honestly I believe if “normal” people gave a hard look at their lives they would realize that they too were just as habituated as we are. They just don’t notice it as much because changes do not bring them crisis the way it does to us.

    Lastly, what is with huggy people?! My youngest son is a member of this population and he so did not get it from me! So I’m pretty sure at this point that it’s not learned behavior. I’m also pretty sure that for him at least it’s sensory seeking. It’s makes me wonder about the rest of them. I am relieved though that at 6 years old he has learned that you ask first and respect the answer – well most of the time.

    This comment turned out longer than I expected so I will close it with wishes for a better day! ❤ Hang in there!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Your comment so made me smile! You sound like you have wonderful kids! I agree with the order, I don’t have a set time for things but 9pm is my cut off for doing anything, like for meals or anything, but if I say 9am I will be there for 9am if not a little early. I feel like if my brain was a hard drive… I’d buy a new one! Love Sooz xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. ToadieOdie says:

        I know I would LOVE to upgrade the motherboard, processor, RAM – whatever it is I need to for my brain if given the option! Heck even defragmenting it might help it run better. LOL I mean who wouldn’t? I suppose those that don’t have to take meds might not want to but I would love to get by without them.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Michelle says:

    I’m with you on the need to schedule, schedule, schedule and the intense let down/stress/worry/disappointment when a routine goes awry. I understand that completely and do it myself. Like you, I like to exactly what to expect and what to count on. I too need to be better about my reactions when things don’t go as planned. It’s hard though!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m glad I’m not alone! Thank you for taking the time to comment, it really does make me feel less … I want to see alone? Love Sooz x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I created a whole year schedule for housework! I know what has to be done and can just do it without wondering what to do first and procrastinating or panicking because a zillion and one other things need doing and I don’t know which thing should have priority and so then I don’t do anything and feel guilty that I haven’t done anything (breath in!) So, yes lists are good!!
    And hugging, I’m not a hugger either. I get all tense when I know someone is going to come in for a hug because I don’t want to hug random people! I will hug very close family members but anything else is not what I want. I have managed to avoid it by half standing behind someone or something so they can’t reach me or holding my coat over both arms in front of me. Once I even stuck my hand out so one person shook my hand instead. I don’t like that either but it is preferable to the hugging and kissing. I wish I could just say without offending them, ‘I’m sorry but I don’t like hugging people.’ But, I am backwards at coming forwards and am awkward in some social situations so I’m stuck with the avoidance techniques!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for this… I appreciated reading it! Love Sooz xx

      Like

  4. Thank you for the post. It is nice to know that I am not alone in this.
    I am a list maker. My lists come with sub lists and researched highly thought out schedule. Like down to the minute. Without order and routine, I am known to wander aimlessly for hours accomplishing nothing.
    People call me rigid and inflexible (I call it organized and efficient). And yet, I can’t count the number of times these same people have been thankful I thought ahead and was prepared thereby saving their butts.
    When people tell me I am selfish or “horrible”, I remind them that actions like being late, waiting until the last minute to make plans, or being disorganized is also selfish and disrespectful to the people they interact with. They rarely see my point, but it makes me feel better.

    PS- Sooooo…Not a hugger!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Apologies for taking so long to reply! I’m partially glad it’s not just me, but, I’m also sad someone else has to go through it! Keep being who you are! Love Sooz x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s not that bad really. I’ve been able to channel my obsessive organization into my coaching practice and help my clients become more productive through structure and planning (just not as obsessive as mine).

        Liked by 1 person

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