From the outside, I look like a regular, albeit fat, individual, I smile, I laugh, I have resting bitch face. But my internal workings of my brain are never seen.
They aren’t felt by others, strangers, to people close to me I can seem moody, changeable and difficult.
A quick trip into town, is planned meticulously in my head, from the route, to the food, to the transport, to each shop. Lists are written, the budget is set, my bag packed and my clothes laid out. Some call this organised, I call it hell.
That is just one part, one Part which I plan. Another is home. I like time alone, silence and to know what I’m doing – even the tv schedule is reserved a week ahead. L is very used to my needs and we work together to ensure whilst they aren’t fed, my routine continues as much as possible. I clean what I always have, I don’t like New furniture, New smells, New things, it brings me great comfort to know that my sanctuary is the same. The photo in my mind that I look back to is still the same.
This morning my routine was broken, usually on a Tuesday, I get up early, clean and then eat boiled eggs watching Jeremy Kyle, with no one but the budgie tweeting.I sit in my usual seat, the volume on 10, that is an hour I’m used to. I ended up sitting outside crying my eyes out, a break in routine frustrates me beyond belief, but it also feels like it breaks my ability to process the rest of the day.
You might be reading this rolling your eyes, wondering why I’m so selfish, why can’t I just get on with it, why is it such a big thing..believe me those are things I’ve thought a million times myself, and I have no answers. I sometimes try and challenge myself, this just results in a bad day.
A few other things…
I love writing lists, but I become obsessed, I have a cleaning list which is four columns and two pages, that I check each time I do housework. That is the structure I have followed, Tuesday and Thursday mornings I clean. If something stops that it’s like a road block in my head!
Silence is something I crave, some sounds literally get in my head and make me lose my mind. I love having earphones in, music makes me feel ridiculously free, it’s like my mind gets overtaken. The sound of someone crying is one of the worst, it infuriates me. I must be honest, I know I must come across as a horrible person and believe me, the pursuit of being a better one is at the forefront of my journey.
Hugs…physical contact, JUST NO!! I absolutely hate being touched or touching other people. Why do people feel the need to spring a hug on you, why? It makes my skin crawl and my anxiety shoot through the ceiling. I obviously hug L, but it has taken a very long time for me to even remotely enjoy it- 10 years is a long time! I dread seeing people I know are “huggers” I don’t want them to think I’m being rude and a lot of people have taken it as a personal insult when I don’t. It doesn’t mean I don’t like them. I just don’t need to touch anyone for that confirmation!