Its 6.49am, I’ve been awake for about 3 hours… Listening to someone else’s dogs bark, yelp and howl along with Holly crying because she couldn’t sleep.
After a bad afternoon/night I really wanted to sleep well!
I’ll start at last night… My meds make me so tired that I try and nap when I can… But I didn’t manage it. Then I was in the “fuck it” state of mind and ate a small chorizo at lunch. I wanted eat ALL the food and be like “fuck you gallbladder, fuck you!” But I didn’t, even when everyone had a chippy tea- the smell was intoxicating, chips + curry with vinegar and sausages, I sat in the same room, internally crying with food envy and pure frustration. The chorizo thankfully hasn’t irritated me yet!
L’s bestie was visiting along with some family… I did the thing…. I got too excited, made jokes etc… But then felt so awkward. I have no clue why. I was absolutely exhausted by the time I went to bed and didn’t have any dinner or snacks!
I never thought I would say I can’t be bothered to eat, but I feel ridiculously bloated afterwards and I’m usually still full from lunch at dinner!
Maybe it’s not until now that I realised how much food is still a crutch, it’s still something I want to comfort me. Something I rely on to always be there and more so for me to always enjoy. It’s like a friend has turned against Me.
I’m sad I feel poorly, I’m sad food isn’t my friend, I’m sad I can’t just eat whatever I want. I’m sad I’m not as far into my journey as I thought.
I’m just sad!
I know I’ll be ok and prop myself back up, I just need this time to wallow like a hippo in mud!
Love Sooz x