Internal screamings of a mad woman 

Its 6.49am, I’ve been awake for about 3 hours… Listening to someone else’s dogs bark, yelp and howl along with Holly crying because she couldn’t sleep. 

After a bad afternoon/night I really wanted to sleep well! 

I’ll start at last night… My meds make me so tired that I try and nap when I can… But I didn’t manage it. Then I was in the “fuck it” state of mind and ate a small chorizo at lunch. I wanted eat ALL the food and be like “fuck you gallbladder, fuck you!” But I didn’t, even when everyone had a chippy tea- the smell was intoxicating, chips + curry with vinegar and sausages, I sat in the same room, internally crying with food envy and pure frustration. The chorizo thankfully hasn’t irritated me yet! 

L’s bestie was visiting along with some family… I did the thing…. I got too excited, made jokes etc… But then felt so awkward. I have no clue why. I was absolutely exhausted by the time I went to bed and didn’t have any dinner or snacks! 

I never thought I would say I can’t be bothered to eat, but I feel ridiculously bloated afterwards and I’m usually still full from lunch at dinner! 

Maybe it’s not until now that I realised how much food is still a crutch, it’s still something I want to comfort me. Something I rely on to always be there and more so for me to always enjoy. It’s like a friend has turned against Me. 

I’m sad I feel poorly, I’m sad food isn’t my friend, I’m sad I can’t just eat whatever I want. I’m sad I’m not as far into my journey as I thought. 

I’m just sad! 

I know I’ll be ok and prop myself back up, I just need this time to wallow like a hippo in mud!

Love Sooz x


10 Comments Add yours

  1. I love your blog so much! Keep strong girlie!xox

    Liked by 1 person

  2. eweingart says:

    I feel for you. I also struggle with Bipolar and food addiction. I’m a certified health coach and I’m in the process of working on my food addiction. Reading “The Hunger Fix” by Pam Peeke. You might find it interesting.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. christine says:

    Me too!! Thanks for writing!


  4. Kalamain says:

    This is one of those things that makes you want to kick things. But tomorrow WILL be better.

    In time you will find foods you can eat when others are eating. You may just need to lower your expectations a little… Or… Get ingenious about it. Oven baked sweet potato coated in spices and a dip, home made, that will not affect your tummy but make everyone around you drool when they smell it.

    Just make sure you only make enough for yourself on those days…
    That and practice your maniacal laugh!

    Sometimes you have to find your own fun. B-)


    1. Thank you, you’re so right! Hahaaaaa I’ll keep practising! Love Sooz x

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Love Sooz x

      Liked by 1 person

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