Awkwardness… Everyone feels it at some point I suppose. I feel awkward on probably an hourly basis. What made me finally break my blogger block, was looking out of the window!
There was a car outside… But due to my blindness I didn’t see an entire crowd of people standing across the road. Whether they saw me or not I don’t know. I have pretty much convinced myself they all did. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up! I then pretended to spray the plants!
I feel awkward when I know people can see my loose skin on the tops of my thighs, awkward if I drop something, or even if there’s someone else in a room!
The awkwardness then leads to anxiety! It’s like a vicious circle of embarrassment!
Sometimes it’s difficult to differentiate between embarrassed, awkward and anxiety. They seem to cross over. Like when someone goes to the loo 2 seconds after you’ve left and you’re worried your wee smells, or did you use enough air freshener.
I spend a lot of my time worrying what other people think, I worry how what I do affects them. I would love to be carefree and just get on with my life, but I just can’t do it. The more embarrassed/awkward I feel the more anxious I get. My face and chest get red, I get a stutter and then I usually need to pee!
I hate silence, but I hate finding something to talk about more. Even when I’m writing my blogs I’m worried that I tend to ramble on, that people click off before reaching the end. I once read an article that said you should write for you, but I don’t I like writing like people are reading, I imagine I’m saying each word. Saying things I couldn’t bear to say out loud.
Writing feelings down isn’t easy, but I find it easier than ever telling anyone, I had 5 therapy sessions and never said as much as I have written about on my blog.
Back to the akwardness, I never know what is an ordinary level of awkward? Does everyone I pass on the street feel awkward. Do they panic when someone asks for directions? Do they hate using public toilets in case someone hears them weeing?
I really hope they don’t. I wouldn’t wish the feeling on anyone.
Love Sooz xx