That awkward moment….

Awkwardness… Everyone feels it at some point I suppose. I feel awkward on probably an hourly basis. What made me finally break my blogger block, was looking out of the window! 
There was a car outside… But due to my blindness I didn’t see an entire crowd of people standing across the road. Whether they saw me or not I don’t know. I have pretty much convinced myself they all did. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up! I then pretended to spray the plants! 
I feel awkward when I know people can see my loose skin on the tops of my thighs, awkward if I drop something, or even if there’s someone else in a room! 
The awkwardness then leads to anxiety! It’s like a vicious circle of embarrassment! 
Sometimes it’s difficult to differentiate between embarrassed, awkward and anxiety. They seem to cross over. Like when someone goes to the loo 2 seconds after you’ve left and you’re worried your wee smells, or did you use enough air freshener. 
I spend a lot of my time worrying what other people think, I worry how what I do affects them. I would love to be carefree and just get on with my life, but I just can’t do it.  The more embarrassed/awkward I feel the more anxious I get. My face and chest get red, I get a stutter and then I usually need to pee!
I hate silence, but I hate finding something to talk about more. Even when I’m writing my blogs I’m worried that I tend to ramble on, that people click off before reaching the end. I once read an article that said you should write for you, but I don’t I like writing like people are reading, I imagine I’m saying each word. Saying things I couldn’t bear to say out loud. 
Writing feelings down isn’t easy, but I find it easier than ever telling anyone, I had 5 therapy sessions and never said as much as I have written about on my blog. 
Back to the akwardness, I never know what is an ordinary level of awkward? Does everyone I pass on the street feel awkward. Do they panic when someone asks for directions? Do they hate using public toilets in case someone hears them weeing?
I really hope they don’t.  I wouldn’t wish the feeling on anyone. 
Love Sooz xx

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “That awkward moment….

  1. I read the whole blog because I loved reading it. Everyone feels awkward. I feel awkward when someone makes an eye contact with me and smiles at me because I don’t know when to stop making the eye contact haha.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I feel awkward the moment when I’ve realized my pressured speech has kicked in and I can’t stop talking to save my life. All I can do at that point is pray I make sense and not say something stupid.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Great post! And of course you are not alone – everybody feels awkward about many many things, irrespective of how well they may mask it. That toilet paranoia is totally real – worse if you have to crap god forbid. Even eating a burger in public is a repetitive source of embarrassing awkwardness for me – I deal with it by using cutlery sometimes to minimise the mess & savageness! It makes some think of me as hoity toity when in actuality it is just a coping mechanism to cover my uncool, unladylike finger food eating! 😀 Finding humour in our real or imagined shortcomings truly helps build self-confidence and a precious sense of self-assurance. Embrace your awkward and make friends with it I say.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. *clicks off*

    Lol, I jest. B-)

    No. Everyone… I mean *EVERYONE* feels awkward at some point. Even I do and I care less now than I did when I was younger.

    The fact that you are willing to talk about your issues, even if it’s just on here, shows a great step in your mental well being. In time it will get better. It may take time, bye look at how far you have come!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Everyone feels awkward. I am constantly tripping over my own feet and wishing I could blend into the wallpaper. Don’t allow feeling awkward to restrict you. Fake it till you make it! I recommend Amy Cuddy’s TED Talk if you haven’t seen it already, love AL

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s