Since I’m on a roll delving into the past, I shall continue to keep blogging. I think I’ve got a few more blogs about the past in me, and then it’s important I begin looking toward the future/present a little more!
Let’s start with my a-levels, by the time it came to actually doing my exams, I was so ridiculously bored by the subjects I had chosen, Travel & Tourism, business studies, French and media. I think I cared, I think I just wanted more than sitting in a classroom.
By then I was 17 not an adult but not a child. By year 13 I had real friends, a social life, and I looked ok. But school was suffocating, the work, the expectation, my parents wanted me to go to uni, I wanted to go, just not to have to work. I suppose I was lazy!
In prospectus’ university students were bright, colourful and smiling and looked like they were having so much fun! My top two choices were Chester and Bath spa, settling on Chester after a visit. The pressure to do well was overwhelming and when I didn’t get what I needed, I went through clearing. My heart just didn’t seem in it. But my parents were happy.
In September 2005, I think it was the 19th I moved into Parkgate road. I got to my room in a shared house to find that I was supposed to be sharing a room when I’d opted for a single… I freaked out, I had NEVER shared a room. I didn’t want to. Looking back it was really selfish of me, and not very nice.
I missed home dreadfully, I felt like I was grieving, my mental state was painful at best. I missed my friends, I absolutely hated being on my own.The people I lived with were social and seemed to find it easy to make friends, it felt like the beginning of high school again. I was became weird and I didn’t know how to be me. I put up walls I couldn’t take down. I was mean and emotional. All I wanted was to go home! I hated where I lived, the people and who I was. I wish I could have been someone they wanted to be friends with more and I hadn’t of alienated myself.
My course began and I made a few friends, not life long ones but a few. My course was so hard. One of the girls asked me round to hers and we ended up getting drunk with her housemate. Who I ended up living with for almost 5 years, as friends. Our social life involved drinking for breakfast (mainly me) and eating! He was the most fun throughout uni, we cried, laughed and ate! I’m so thankful I had that friendship with such a lovely person.
I stopped exercising during my first year, I got tattoos piercings and cut and dyed my own hair (all awfully) I had about 6 jobs, all I just walked out. My attitude was awful, my uni work failing and my social life was either absolutely smashing nights out or none existent, and then I found food. My room was full of food, I ate Chinese food almost daily, bought junk and a proper meal was a rare thing. My student loan was wasted. I bought things I didn’t need.I rarely went out. Preferring to stay in and eat.
I was a mess, I went to the doctor’s about my mental health and she prescribed me tablets. The tablets knocked me out for 3 days, I couldn’t even get out of bed. But I never went back. I thought that was it, nothing else could be done. I self harmed a handful of times and started drinking until I threw up.
By December… Yes only 4 months had passed! I met a guy in Newcastle, we chatted, he showed an interest, I was flattered, he visited, for 3 weeks!
I realised how little I actually wanted to be with him or actually a man… There was no spark… I read a magazine whilst we…. *you know* then I managed to put my foot in a soggy bowl of frosties whilst …… *you know* – it was just gross. That was the last man I ever slept with.
After that my uni work was absolutely awful, I fell asleep in lectures as I was too hungover. It was just too hard. I had a permanent confidence wall with people, that was just much, too loud. I was “that girl” people avoided. Needless to say I failed that year and transferred to Marketing.
My overdraft was nearly £4,000, I had credit cards, catalogues, loans and it had all gone on absolute rubbish. My parents paid my rent, I had a job, yet I had ballooned to a size 26 and looked like worzel gummage. I could spent £200 on food a week, easily, with takeout and junk.
Due to the finance aspect of marketing, I decided to transfer to communication studies and that was the best choice I made- finally I got a degree!
Although my food intake obviously didn’t change until recently, my love life did. In April 2006 I met L, things haven’t been easy, but they’ve never been quite as bad as 2005. I’m now incredibly grateful for the things that happened during that time as they really taught me who I was and how to be a friend, and a better person.
I now very rarely drink anything alcoholic at all, I haven’t self harmed for longer than I can remember. My scars will always be there to remind me not to go back, and I haven’t made myself sick for over a year.
I once read on one of my old housemates Facebook’s a comment from someone else
After Su got through her army of men, I wonder if she started on women?
I didn’t explain myself at the time… But only one man who slept in my bed was straight… The rest were all gay- and actually dating each other. Since 2006 I haven’t been with anyone else.
If I had the choice again, I maybe would never have come to University at all, but now I’m glad I did. It gave me far more than I bargained for.
There’s much more to the story… But maybe that’s another post!