Is this what bloggers do? Write blog posts about past traumas at midnight on a Friday? Well it’s what I’m doing, although it’s not all trauma!
I began high school in September 2000, aged 13. You always remember the bad times for far longer than the good, sometimes I wonder why I write a lot in the past, but then I realise, the past not only shaped who I am now, but inspires what I think and the way I feel. It happened and it’s cathartic writing about it.
Anyway, back to high school. It was a relatively small one about 2 or 3 streets away. I dreamed it was like in the films… It wasn’t. It smelled funny, there was no singing and I never got an A+.
During year 9 my Uncle died. This set the tone for the next 5 years. I feel like my grief made me mentally unstable to the point, someone in my French lesson handed me a blade and said I dare you to cut yourself, and I did! I was so calm, I think I traumatised the teacher, but I didn’t feel a thing, physically or emotionally.
I think everyone found school difficult, for various reasons. You know you had that one person that was just weird, loud and weird. Well, that’s was me. I was also fat, spotty and prone to mood changes at the drop of a hat!
I struggled so badly with who I was, I wanted to look different, be different. I liked men, but knew I liked women.
My first crush was on a girl, Sophie* she was everything I wanted partly to be, but partly in a woman. She was so….gothy, nuts and outspoken. I fell hard and when a rumour went around that we had kissed, I didn’t deny it, I pretty much fanned the flames. I wished it had happened, but it didn’t and that ended up ruining our friendship. She moved schools eventually. I’ve always wanted to apologise. But maybe sorry doesn’t change what happened.
I really struggled making friends, people didn’t have much patience when it came to me. I was mean, and an over confident bully one moment and the next I was quiet, and the victim of hurtful taunts. I brought a lot of the abuse upon myself, I tried to be in with everyone, even if that meant white lies or stirring trouble for others.
One friendship breakdown that marred pretty much 90% of my school time was with a girl, Laura* we had been friends all through middle school. She was prissy, reminded me of a my little pony. Her long hair always as neat as her work. She always looked so clean and had so many friends. But, she was like a mean, controlling ‘friend’ telling me to say or do things, daring people to do horrible things to me. But she always smiled and I put up with it. I just wanted a friend. A bad friend was still a friend. Right? I know I felt that I wanted to be like her, but in looks not personality. I didn’t understand why people liked Her.
I remember we climbed into a locked field with a metal gate, where boys were playing football. She went up to them and quietly told them to kick football’s at me. They did, I was so bruised, I couldn’t even climb out. I cried all the way home, covered in mud. Yet I still remained friends with her. I didn’t understand why people did what she said, I still don’t.
It wasn’t until 2003 that it stopped, I was talking about her in a toilet, and she was in the cubicle. She stormed out. We never spoke again. Some people were on her side and didn’t speak to me. Eventually I found my own friendships, but that awkwardness was always there, for me anyway, until I left school. I still wish things had been different.
I still regret a lot of the things I did. Even more of what I said to people. I wish I hadn’t of been weird. I wish I could have communicated like a better person, not lied, not lost my mind. I’m ridiculously emotional writing this. I feel so many regrets for things I said to people.
Some however, taught me things I’ll never forget. How to do liquid eyeliner is one : a girl in my food tech class always wore hers perfectly!
Another was one of my best friends,we lost touch in around 2007, I laughed so much, we watched films, cuddled, he was so special to me, whatever happened there was a solution, he came out to me, he cooked me one of my favourite memory meals : tinned chicken in white sauce, rice and pittas. He visited me at uni, we went to Prague on a trip, with the sixth form class. He saved me from my depression so many times. I don’t think he’ll know how grateful I was for that friendship, and how many of the good times still make me chuckle… 3 Musketeers after prom, mine called Pete! I still hold a lot of love for him.
I wish I had sought mental health help sooner. But maybe it was all just part of growing up! Maybe some people are better at winging it than others.
Love Sooz x
* names have been changed
Things I learned:
* Don’t be what you think you should for other people.
*Once you lose your virginity you can’t get it back.
*If a friendship isn’t genuine, it won’t work.
*Don’t act to impress someone else.
* Friends are important
*Apologise when you cn, don’t wait
Trying smoking – I was rubbish
Falling in ‘love’
Learning to trampoline
My first sunbed
The school councillor
Hating the physics & geography teachers