High School 2000-2005 

Is this what bloggers do? Write blog posts about past traumas at midnight on a Friday? Well it’s what I’m doing, although it’s not all trauma! 

I began high school in September 2000, aged 13. You always remember the bad times for far longer than the good, sometimes I wonder why I write a lot in the past, but then I realise, the past not only shaped who I am now, but inspires what I think and the way I feel. It happened and it’s cathartic writing about it.  

Anyway, back to high school. It was a relatively small one about 2 or 3 streets away. I dreamed it was like in the films… It wasn’t. It smelled funny, there was no singing and I never got an A+. 

During year 9 my Uncle died. This set the tone for the next 5 years. I feel like my grief made me mentally unstable to the point, someone in my French lesson handed me a blade and said I dare you to cut yourself, and I did! I was so calm, I think I traumatised the teacher, but I didn’t feel a thing, physically or emotionally. 

I think everyone found school difficult, for various reasons. You know you had that one person that was just weird, loud and weird. Well, that’s was me. I was also fat, spotty and prone to mood changes at the drop of a hat! 

I struggled so badly with who I was, I wanted to look different, be different. I liked men, but knew I liked women. 

My first crush was on a girl, Sophie* she was everything I wanted partly to be, but partly in a woman. She was so….gothy, nuts and outspoken. I fell hard and when a rumour went around that we had kissed, I didn’t deny it, I pretty much fanned the flames. I wished it had happened, but it didn’t and that ended up ruining our friendship. She moved schools eventually. I’ve always wanted to apologise. But maybe sorry doesn’t change what happened.

 I really struggled making friends, people didn’t have much patience when it came to me. I was mean, and an over confident bully one moment and the next I was quiet, and the victim of hurtful taunts. I brought a lot of the abuse upon myself, I tried to be in with everyone, even if that meant white lies or stirring trouble for others. 

One friendship breakdown that marred pretty much 90% of my school time was with a girl, Laura* we had been friends all through middle school. She was prissy, reminded me of a my little pony. Her long hair always as neat as her work. She always looked so clean and had so many friends. But, she was like a mean, controlling ‘friend’ telling me to say or do things, daring people to do horrible things to me. But she always smiled and I put up with it. I just wanted a friend. A bad friend was still a friend. Right? I know I felt that I wanted to be like her, but in looks not personality. I didn’t understand why people liked Her.

I remember we climbed into a locked field with a metal gate, where boys were playing football. She went up to them and quietly told them to kick football’s at me. They did, I was so bruised, I couldn’t even climb out. I cried all the way home, covered in mud. Yet I still remained friends with her. I didn’t understand why people did what she said, I still don’t.

It wasn’t until 2003 that it stopped, I was talking about her in a toilet, and she was in the cubicle. She stormed out. We never spoke again. Some people were on her side and didn’t speak to me. Eventually I found my own friendships, but that awkwardness was always there, for me anyway, until I left school. I still wish things had been different.

I still regret a lot of the things I did. Even more of what I said to people. I wish I hadn’t of been weird. I wish I could have communicated like a better person, not lied, not lost my mind. I’m ridiculously emotional writing this. I feel so many regrets for things I said to people.

Some however, taught me things I’ll never forget. How to do liquid eyeliner is one : a girl in my food tech class always wore hers perfectly! 

Another was one of my best friends,we lost touch in around 2007, I laughed so much, we watched films, cuddled, he was so special to me, whatever happened there was a solution, he came out to me, he cooked me one of my favourite memory meals : tinned chicken in white sauce, rice and pittas. He visited me at uni, we went to Prague on a trip, with the sixth form class. He saved me from my depression so many times. I don’t think he’ll know how grateful I was for that friendship, and how many of the good times still make me chuckle… 3 Musketeers after prom, mine called Pete! I still hold a lot of love for him.

I wish I had sought mental health help sooner. But maybe it was all just part of growing up! Maybe some people are better at winging it than others.

Love Sooz x 

* names have been changed 

Things I learned: 

* Don’t be what you think you should for other people. 

*Once you lose your virginity you can’t get it back.

*If a friendship isn’t genuine, it won’t work.

*Don’t act to impress someone else. 

* Friends are important 

*Don’t lie 

*Apologise when you cn, don’t wait

Memories

Pink cake 

Trying smoking – I was rubbish 

Falling in ‘love’

Pizza slices 

Tuna melts 

Face party 

Learning to trampoline

Chippy dinners 

Pyramid 

My first sunbed

The school councillor 

Hating the physics & geography teachers 

Cross country

Cookies 

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17 thoughts on “High School 2000-2005 

  1. Wow Sooz, this one brought a tear to my eye. Different stories but so much of the same experiences and feelings that I felt really exposed just reading it. I’m amazed at the level of honesty you express. Keep going, if for no other reason than because I need it! I think you’re amazing!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My first school buddy. My dad spoke of you a few months ago. I thought you were fabulous at school. I remember wanting to have your confidence. I still think you’re fabulous. All the best xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You were such a good friend and certainly still class you as my friend xx Only have good school memories of our times together and monthly Chinese night at your house. made me sad reading this knowing the * people and wishing I had been their more for you! I had no idea a lot of this had happened x your certainly an inspiration look at you now wor Suze!!!xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww Verity. I could have written forever. I’ve never thought anything bad about you, ever. I loved our library chats, Chinese nights and so much more! I still Love your updates and your beautiful son! Xx

      Like

  4. I just completed high school and have to start college from Tuesday. All my memories are coming back to me, and this has to be one of the sanest pieces of writing I have come across! Love the way you have worded your emotions.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The challenge in life is to forgive yourself for hurting other because you were hurting too. We have all done terrible things that we wish we could take back.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. He said- “do you remember the girl that used to wait for you to walk into school together at the front gates?” He has a better memory than me lol you made appletree!! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. A bad friend is still a friend right? I totally get how that feels, I spent so much time accepting whoever was interested into my life just to have friends no matter how bad they were for me. So glad I’m past that now!

    Liked by 1 person

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