I’m not crazy my reality is just different to yours – Through the looking glass
I have bipolar type 1 with rapid cycling, I also have social anxiety and an anxiety disorder. Mentally I feel like all my thoughts are in a blender. From the outside I look like anyone else, going about their daily business, however internally I’ve already had 3 anxiety attacks, wondered when the world will end and thought someone will die, all by 10am.
My mental health has had such an impact on my physical. Between different medications, my binge eating, my need to cook ALL the food and my want to eat everything.
Since 2005 I think I’ve put on around 12-13 stones- I’ve now lost a good portion of that. I used to swim 4+ a week, go to the gym and be constantly on the go. Then I started university, my mental health spiralled, along with my weight, I ate nothing but junk food and takeaways, drank alco pops for breakfast. I spent 50-60% of my student loan on food.By 2008 I was eating 4000+ calories a day, and binge eating. I tried various medications, psychiatrists and councillors. I finally was diagnosed in 2010.
Fast forward to now: I work hard on my mental health-my eating, my spending, my feelings.
I take my meds, I have bad days, I have good days. I like order and routine. I also need to sleep for longer but still in a routine, If I don’t I can be awake for 3 days, then sleep for 3.
How does my mental health affect my weight? Badly
I want to either eat everything, or nothing. I have to have a list or I’ll buy food we don’t need. I get stressed in a shop and paying, but I force myself to do it… I don’t even think anyone notices from the outside. My medications are also proven to make you put weight on, so losing weight is tough on them, but I’ve done it!
I know despite me being a nutjob short of a hazelnut, it’s ok, I know what I need to do, during bad days, good days, whatever. I am me, not my mental health, that comes as a side. I work hard and I reap the benefits. L very kindly sometimes gives me a nudge when I don’t realise what I’m doing, or helps me to work out money & lists.
I think that’s why I like Instagram and now blogging. It gives me an outlet. It gives me somewhere to be myself.Somewhere no one stares, or mutters. Somewhere where searching #anxiety gives you inspiration.
You can only ever be yourself.
Love Sooz x